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Bad news from the zones, tumbleweeds. It turns out that I don't respond to meds like I'm supposed to.
I guess it's really just "news", since what you do with that information determines if it's bad/good.
Really, it's just another piece of information helping me focus my efforts more effectively. Knowing that medications aren't doing what they should for me lets me know that I need to follow another avenue to supplement them.
My psychiatrist had me start TMS treatment this week. TMS stands for transcranial magnetic stimulation. It takes 36 total sessions, but essentially helps connect the neural pathways in your brain so they're communicating like they should. In my first session, they had me take off my glasses and take out my earrings, since you can't have any metal pieces on or in your head during the treatments. Then they put this skull cap on me, and measured out various parts of my head to figure out where exactly they would place the transmission device. After this, the doctor comes in and places a measuring device on my head to find the correct setting, measuring my motor threshold. This is basically figuring out how much electromagnetic stimulation my brain can handle before my motor functions are affected. They fine tune the settings until my right thumb twitches, then they dial it back a tiny bit for the actual treatment level.
During the actual treatment, I'm reclined in a comfy ol' chair with a blanket, my head rested back, and they place the device so it's securely against my temple at all times. They always put on Netflix for me, even though I can't see for shit without my glasses on. Netflix comedy specials are going to be the end of me. 😂
Thankfully, being at my out of pocket deductible, I'm fully covered on the treatment. Without insurance, it would cost me $10K. This treatment has amazing success rates, and I'm really hoping it does what they're promising.
Part of me feels like a failure, though.
I've been doing everything right. I've been going to therapy, taking my meds religiously, applying coping skills... everything. I've been inpatient twice. But nothing seems to work. I'm so exhausted. I feel like I'm broken, and nothing works like it should. There's something wrong with me.
I know that I'm doing everything right and it's not my fault that it's not getting better. The logic is there. I know that this new treatment will probably help a great deal, and things will eventually improve for me. But, for right now, I just feel down. My feelings don't align with the reality I'm experiencing.
I'm ready for this to be over. This is the part where I have to keep pushing myself and just keep working. It's like when you're working out and eating right and you hit that plateau and you're so close to just ordering a stuffed crust pizza because WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT?!
My friends have noticed that I'm doing better. Do I necessarily feel better? No. Not by a long shot. But I am functioning better. I'm able to be present for conversations and truly engage. Which is a huge accomplishment for me. I typically detach and distance myself. It's been such a long time since I've been able to sit with people and actually connect to them. The feedback I'm getting is keeping me going.
I'm so thankful for the people in my life that are able to notice the changes in me that I can't. My experience and being the one going through all of this makes it hard for me to take into account the outer changes that are happening.
Piece by piece, I'm slowly coming into my own. I know this is a long journey. I know it's going to take me months and years to get better. It sucks. It really fucking sucks. But it will be worth it. Being able to say that I am doing something good for myself feels amazing. It doesn't always feel amazing. Some days it feels so pointless and tiring. But for now, I still have the days of mental clarity, however rare they may be, to encourage me.
Being back at work is so draining, too. I'm exhausted and I have no idea how I used to do this. I'm completely lost for words on how I managed to keep myself going for so long. I worked my ass off over this last year while in the worst mental state of my life. Obviously I was doing it wrong. The work-life balance was way out of whack. So I'll need to re-learn how to handle this. Re-assess my work boundaries. Maybe I won't be able to function at that same energy level. I know that I burned myself out going 100 MPH constantly. I'll have to bring that back a bit.
I'll figure it out, though. I've got time. It's not a race. It's not a marathon, either. The distance part is about right, but we're not running for time. We're running for performance and building stamina.
I know that this journey will always be a part of me, and there will probably never be a day that I won't struggle at least a little. But I am looking forward to the day that I'm able to say that I love living. I want that so badly for myself.
Someday.
I guess it's really just "news", since what you do with that information determines if it's bad/good.
Really, it's just another piece of information helping me focus my efforts more effectively. Knowing that medications aren't doing what they should for me lets me know that I need to follow another avenue to supplement them.
My psychiatrist had me start TMS treatment this week. TMS stands for transcranial magnetic stimulation. It takes 36 total sessions, but essentially helps connect the neural pathways in your brain so they're communicating like they should. In my first session, they had me take off my glasses and take out my earrings, since you can't have any metal pieces on or in your head during the treatments. Then they put this skull cap on me, and measured out various parts of my head to figure out where exactly they would place the transmission device. After this, the doctor comes in and places a measuring device on my head to find the correct setting, measuring my motor threshold. This is basically figuring out how much electromagnetic stimulation my brain can handle before my motor functions are affected. They fine tune the settings until my right thumb twitches, then they dial it back a tiny bit for the actual treatment level.
During the actual treatment, I'm reclined in a comfy ol' chair with a blanket, my head rested back, and they place the device so it's securely against my temple at all times. They always put on Netflix for me, even though I can't see for shit without my glasses on. Netflix comedy specials are going to be the end of me. 😂
Thankfully, being at my out of pocket deductible, I'm fully covered on the treatment. Without insurance, it would cost me $10K. This treatment has amazing success rates, and I'm really hoping it does what they're promising.
Part of me feels like a failure, though.
I've been doing everything right. I've been going to therapy, taking my meds religiously, applying coping skills... everything. I've been inpatient twice. But nothing seems to work. I'm so exhausted. I feel like I'm broken, and nothing works like it should. There's something wrong with me.
I know that I'm doing everything right and it's not my fault that it's not getting better. The logic is there. I know that this new treatment will probably help a great deal, and things will eventually improve for me. But, for right now, I just feel down. My feelings don't align with the reality I'm experiencing.
I'm ready for this to be over. This is the part where I have to keep pushing myself and just keep working. It's like when you're working out and eating right and you hit that plateau and you're so close to just ordering a stuffed crust pizza because WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT?!
My friends have noticed that I'm doing better. Do I necessarily feel better? No. Not by a long shot. But I am functioning better. I'm able to be present for conversations and truly engage. Which is a huge accomplishment for me. I typically detach and distance myself. It's been such a long time since I've been able to sit with people and actually connect to them. The feedback I'm getting is keeping me going.
I'm so thankful for the people in my life that are able to notice the changes in me that I can't. My experience and being the one going through all of this makes it hard for me to take into account the outer changes that are happening.
Piece by piece, I'm slowly coming into my own. I know this is a long journey. I know it's going to take me months and years to get better. It sucks. It really fucking sucks. But it will be worth it. Being able to say that I am doing something good for myself feels amazing. It doesn't always feel amazing. Some days it feels so pointless and tiring. But for now, I still have the days of mental clarity, however rare they may be, to encourage me.
Being back at work is so draining, too. I'm exhausted and I have no idea how I used to do this. I'm completely lost for words on how I managed to keep myself going for so long. I worked my ass off over this last year while in the worst mental state of my life. Obviously I was doing it wrong. The work-life balance was way out of whack. So I'll need to re-learn how to handle this. Re-assess my work boundaries. Maybe I won't be able to function at that same energy level. I know that I burned myself out going 100 MPH constantly. I'll have to bring that back a bit.
I'll figure it out, though. I've got time. It's not a race. It's not a marathon, either. The distance part is about right, but we're not running for time. We're running for performance and building stamina.
I know that this journey will always be a part of me, and there will probably never be a day that I won't struggle at least a little. But I am looking forward to the day that I'm able to say that I love living. I want that so badly for myself.
Someday.
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