A letter to the church

I'm sorry.

I wrote the church off for years. Not without valid reasons, but looking back I can now place the resentment aside as I realize something important...

Growing up in an abusive dynamic, I faced fear, pain, and anger on a daily basis. It was obvious to me that something was wrong, and that I and my family were in a bad situation. Because this is something I experienced daily, it felt obvious what was going on.

If the situation is so obvious to me, a child, then surely other people know what's going on!

The people myself and my family were most involved with was our church family. We were there for both services on Sundays, Wednesday prayer meetings, choir practice, every youth group outing... all of it. Being as isolated as we were in our home school setting, church was the most engagement we had in the outside world.

I felt that if these people saw us so much and shared so much of our lives, then they must have noticed that something wasn't quite right.

When an injustice has happened, people look to your response to see if you are in agreement with the occurence, or if you will stand up and say, "Hey, this isn't right. We can do better. You can do better." Oftentimes, when injustice and wrongdoing is met with silence, by not standing up, it is assumed that you are in agreement with the person or organization that has done wrong.

To me, because it seemed so obvious that something just wasn't right, I assumed my church family knew what was going on. I'm sure the people around me knew that things were a little off. In the amount of rebellion in myself and my siblings, in how we presented as such angry and hardened people, in how our family dynamic seemed so toxic... I thought they knew. And I thought that in knowing and not intervening, they were in support of my father's wrongdoing.

Looking back now, I can see that people were unsure. If they realized the extent of the situation, they did not know if it was their place to step in or not. I know I would be extremely uncomfortable facing a similar situation, and I would make plenty of bargains in my head for why I should stay silent. It's not my place, I may have misunderstood the situation, I don't want to cause unnecessary tension, and I certainly don't want to tear a family apart. However, in the years growing up attending this church, I felt that they were enabling and approving my father's abuse, as I did not understand fully the dynamics involved.

I don't say all of this to shame my family, embarrass my mother, or to try to paint my father as a monster. He was a loving man, but he just wasn't capable of showing his love properly as a good father would. He provided for our family, and did what he thought was right. We shared many moments in which I felt we truly bonded and were able to overcome some of the conflict in our relationship. Was the verbal and physical abuse ok? No. But I know he understands what he did wrong now, and I know he would pull me close now and tell me how sorry he is if were able to.

I no longer look back on my upbringing with regret and resentment. I know that I went through what I experienced to make me who I am today. I know that God will use this for good, I just may not have clarity on how just yet.

I don't blame the church anymore.

I'm sorry for doubting your hearts, and harboring resentment towards you for so long.

Maybe my home church is where God wants me to be right now. I'm going to give it another shot. Maybe He wants me in another church to call home so that I can grow with a new family, but for now, I'm going to give this another chance with a new perspective.