What's it like up there?

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What happens when you die and meet God?

I've always wondered.

Do you suddenly appear in heaven, surrounded by saints and angels, and all you do is worship?

Do you have to walk through those pearly gates, and approach the throne fully knowing you don't deserve to be there? Does God show you everything you did that nailed His Son to that cross? Does He show you all beautiful the moments in which He worked through you?

I wonder now if you realize every little way in which you hurt me. In heaven, are you able to finally face the wrongs you did? Are you able to finally ask for the forgiveness you don't have a right to request? Even if that forgiveness is something you need from people that haven't made it up there yet?

I wonder if you know how much I just wanted you to be my dad. Not my father. Not "sir". Not the cruel and mocking act your ego wouldn't let you drop. Do you know I love you? Do you know that I forgive you? Do you know that I just wanted you to be human and vulnerable, dependable and loving, supportive and gracious?

My relationship with you has been painful. It formed a very confusing view of God and forgiveness, of obedience and mercy.

I know you weren't fully capable of being the dad I needed.

I thought for sure that if anyone or anything would change you, it would be God. And you just had to be ready. But He called you home before that day came.

I did get to see your heart soften a bit before you left, though. You still had that proud way about you. But I could tell.

It just hurt my heart so much that I never got to see the father you were behind your insecurities.

As much as I was the loud and rebellious child, the whistleblower, the one that didn't put up with any of it... it wasn't because I hated you. There were times when I truly did hate you, I won't lie. Sometimes that hurt was just too much to carry. But I was loud because I wanted to be heard. I was rebellious because I knew what was happening wasn't right. I called you out because I knew something was wrong. Not out of hatred, though. It was because I knew things were supposed to be different.

I took it upon myself to instigate the change. I thought I could do it. I thought I could show you. I thought I could make you want things to be different. But nothing I did worked. I felt that I wasn't good enough. If I was calling so much attention to the pain you caused and crying for it to stop and you never changed, it must have been my fault. I thought it meant you didn't love me. I thought it meant I wasn't enough to change you. Even though in so many ways you made me feel that I was too much, it seemed that I was also never enough.

But I realize now I was never going to change you.

It's not about changing you anymore. I can't make those experiences go away.

The person I can change is myself.

I have my Heavenly Father to show me that perfect and unfailing love that every son and every daughter craves. Though your shortcomings broke me, I am whole in Him.

I just want you to know that I love you, dad.

I'm gonna make you proud, whether you'd be able to admit it or not.

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